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4 Ways to Move on From Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

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Moving on BPD relationshipDating someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be immensely satisfying in the beginning – there is a lot of intense passion, excitement, and interesting conversation. However, once the person’s BPD symptoms starts to manifest, reality strikes and you may realize that you are in for more than you bargained for.

If you took the step of breaking up with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder, it may have been a difficult decision. Just because you decided to end your relationship doesn’t mean you didn’t have strong feelings for the person. But if their unpredictable mood swings and outbursts of anger were a huge source of stress for you, it was probably the best thing for you to do.

Coping with the End of a BPD Relationship

While you’ve set yourself free from a destructive relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder, it may be a little hard to totally detach yourself from the person. After all, they were an important part of your life for however long you were with them.


Are you or a loved one struggling with emotions that feel out of control? Have you been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)? No matter what type of treatment you need, Clearview Women’s Center can help. With residential, day, and outpatient treatment programs for women with BPD, Clearview is proud to be one of the only Borderline Personality Disorder treatment centers in the country that offers a complete continuum of care.

Clearview’s experienced intake counselors will help determine which treatment options is best for you. A team of experts will put together an individualized treatment plan focused on your specific needs. Call (866) 756-8819 now or complete the form below to get started on your path to recovery.


However, time and a few attitudinal changes should help you cope with the break up. Here are four beliefs that will help you get unstuck and move on from your relationship.

  1. There may have been nothing you could do. People who date someone with BPD often feel they’re the cause of the problems when things don’t go right. Similarly, after the break up, you will likely feel that if you had tried harder, you could have saved the relationship. But that is often not the case. Specific thought and behavioral patterns associated with BPD develop in late adolescence and persist throughout life. It is unlikely someone with BPD will change unless they get BPD treatment. Even if you had bent over backwards, your relationship likely wouldn’t have improved.
  2. Don’t think things can go back to normal. Oftentimes when relationships end, there’s the hope partners will get back together at some point down the road. But you shouldn’t bank on a reunion with a BPD individual. Your former partner is not going to change unless they receive BPD treatment. So abandon hope and try to look out for yourself so that you get your needs met.
  3. Cut off contact. A person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder can experience depression and anger when a relationship ends. In fact, they might develop a feeling of hostility toward you. It’s possible they will try to get back in touch with you to vent their anger and frustration. While you may be tempted to believe it’s your duty to help them out, it isn’t. Reconnection may spur another set of emotional issues, so back off.  The break up might have triggered their anger, but it is rooted in their BPD symptoms and there’s very little you can do to be helpful.
  4. Rebuild your life. Individuals with BPD often fill an emotional void in their partner’s life. With their charm and undivided attention, you may have felt exceedingly happy when the relationship was going well. With the source of fulfillment gone, you may feel empty, which can make it more difficult to move on. You need to figure out why you feel that void. Perhaps, it would help if you developed a few interests. Maybe you never really gave the time to figure out what you wanted to do in life? This is a good time to start answering these questions, build a life for yourself, and move on.
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46 Comments

  1. I was with a women with BPD for five years, I urge anyone involved with someone with BPD to run away as far and as fast as possible. These relationships are nothing but chasms of chaos. these people are total users who will suck you dry emotionally and then toss you aside like an old shoe when they start to focus on other prey.

  2. Pingback: Behavior of People with Abandonment Issues | Borderline Personality Treatment

  3. I was involved with a man with what I think was BPD and when things were good, they were very good! Lots of affection and attention and the feeling that I was the most amazing girlfriend in the world! But I did see some red flags. One was his overreaction to disagreements and other stresses in his life and his inability to calm himself down without a sleeping pill or several drinks. Another was his need to be in contact with me constantly — although I thought this was kinda cute at first. And he did have an addiction he was trying hard to hide from me. He had a messed-up childhood, including all sorts of abandonments. He broke up with me in a rage after a tiny disagreement. Articles like this make me realize there was probably a lot more going on. Thanks.

  4. I’m going through a break up with my BPD ex. He has completely destroyed me and has left my life in ruins. He would get offended by the fact that I had a Facebook page and that I would talk to people that I had worked with. His abuse has led me to attempt suicide more than once and now he is telling everyone that we both know how I’m a horrible person and am a whore when he’s the one who cheated on me. He refuses to return any of my belongings and unfortunately, the more research I do, the worse I feel. I’m forced to realize that the man who I considered to be my best friend never actually loved me. He just used me and my love for him to fill some sick need inside of him. I don’t know how I’m ever going to recover from this because he had me fooled so well and I can’t believe that my judgement was so wrong. Usually, I know when someone is bad news. I don’t know how to recover from this. I’m in therapy but nothing really seems to be helping.

  5. Laura,

    I don’t think your boyfriend had BPD. Sounds like more anti-social spectrum controlling-manipulative behavior than traditional BPD.

  6. Lauren, I am going exactly through this at the moment. My life also has been left in ruin because I foolishly gave up everything in my life (job, friends, family, business, etc) to quench irrational jealousies and desires for complete and utter control – both of which could never be satisfied no matter how destitute I left myself. Little did I realise that the standard set for me wasn’t being kept in return!

    And so after several years and without even so much as a breakup or explanation, I was literally hurled out onto the street with still no opportunity to collect any of my belongings from the house which, like everything else, he put solely in his name. He even went so far as to make me walk to and from the house for half a block so that no neighbours would see us arrive or leave together (all for the purpose I eventually found out) of avoiding me claiming my rightful share after a split. The times I tried to refuse to walk the rest of the way home, I would be violently attacked and end up stranded, even when I was in the driver’s seat I still did not avoid this fate!

    When the relationship began I was independent and happily single, not looking for anyone and not needing someone to make me happy. But now after the years of being treated like a worthless animal and being destitute and friendless, I also don’t feel like I will ever recover and don’t even know how to start! I would encourage you to stay in therapy only because talking is much healthier than not. I sincerely wish you all the best. I hope one day I can help the world understand just how much we have gone through. I feel like I need someone to know, cos my ex never ever will understand what it takes to try normalise his extreme reactions every single day.

  7. As a person with BPD, I find myself sometimes unable to control my anger. But I really think that many times, people with BPD are misinterpreted and made to look like terrible people. I always feel really bad after getting angry with someone and apologize, and my anger episodes rarely happen, but when they do they’re pretty bad. Losing people close to me hurts me so much. It’s easy to think that when someone with BPD is mad at you, they don’t love you, but that’s not true. The people I love mean so much to me that I hate it when we get into fights. After yelling at them, I find myself running off and crying because the entire argument ever happened. I have a friend who is drifting away from me and losing her makes me so sad and guilty that I sometimes feel suicidal. I have to often talk to my therapist to keep me from hating myself every time I wake up. I am much better at controlling my anger but I feel like these misinterpretations will lead people thinking things about others with BPD that are generalized and not always true. I really can’t blame a person for cutting off contact with me and no longer desiring a relationship, but it really hurts. Since our emotions are extreme, extreme sadness and major depression can come out of a break-off of a relationship, not just anger. People like to think people with BPD only experience extreme anger and that it’s an anger issue, but it’s so much more than that. Extreme depression happens too, along with extremities of other emotions.

  8. Chorra,

    great reading your views. Im currently with a girl who has bpd, I didn’t think bpd people can truly love and they are ‘users’. But your post seems the contradict this?

    thank you,

    Martin

  9. I can completely relate to so many of these traits of being in a classic borderline relationship. Right now, I feel so confused about staying or finally moving on. My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and 3 months, needless to say at first it was like a fairy tale love, she wrote me poems, showered me with gifts galore, and loved me like no other. At the time, she was in a serious 4 year marriage to another woman, which was just stupid on my part to even go there. Currently, they are still legally married, bit have been separated for the duration of our relationship. As I look back, I realize that she may do the same thing to me, and throw me out like garbage when someone else comes along. Things have been slowly eroding over the past 8 months, the cutting, the suicide attempts, manipulation, and blame. I’ve forgiven her countless times, even when she sliced her arm open on the night of my Mother’s funeral because my ex girlfriend was at my Mother’s funeral paying her deepest respects being that my Mom was a good friend of my ex’s. My current girlfriend did not attend the funeral simply because she never met my Mom. I still haven’t heard the end of that. More recently, 2 months ago, she was infuriated with me because I was ignoring her many calls one day before work and she attempted to barge into my apartment, luckily I had a feeling to use my deadbolt, she then proceeded to bang her head on the brick wall outside and throw herself down three flights of metal stairs. I was beside myself, and the maintenance guy who saw the whole incident immediately called 911. Consequently, I’ve called 911 multiple times for her when she threatened suicide to me on the phone. I’m really stuck, this last incident she got livid with me for not wanting to see a movie or go to a hockey game. I told her from the beginning of our relationship that I have extreme anxiety in movie theaters and I dislike sports. I don’t understand why we can’t compromise like we used to. I apologized as usual, but she says there is no mending anything. I took the day to myself today, and got accused of cheating, which she’s accused me of many times. Part of me wants to run and never look back, I know I can’t fix her, after taking all of her knives, and any toxic chemicals out of her house, she’s still very much in danger of self harming. I love this woman very much, I simply don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve been to DBT therapy, and she’s on medication. I’m seriously at my wits end wondering if “no contact” would be the healthiest solution.

  10. I’ve been in a relationship with a BPD girl for the last 6 months. It has definitely been a roller coaster of emotions. The hardest part for her is to express emotions and feelings. We have both tried to break of the relationship multiple times, but keep coming back to each other. She recently told me that she was addicted to sex and was trying to work on it. While it bothered me, I know that she is BPD and this is a trait. I decided to stay and help. We have not been intimate. She also has a large spending addiction. She frequently throws fits and cuts off contact only to come back a day to a week later an apologize like nothing ever happened.
    All I’ve wanted is to know where she stands in the relationship, but can not communicate that. Finally after blowing me off the last 4 days, when she text me this morning and immediately blew me off I sent the break up email and cut all ties. It’s hard, and sucks but I know I have to do this. Reading other stories and about BPD really helps.

  11. My BPD boyfriend went to BPD treatment and one small setback put him in a tailspin. He stopped going. We found a new therapist and wasted money on two appointments before he admitted that none of the treatment tools would ever help because he saw them as a way for me to manipulate him and take advantage of him.

    He has set his mind that trusting me is as good as certain death. The accusations of me cheating or flirting with other men all of time, the constant defense of my actions that most of us don’t even think about (like what we throw on to walk on the dog in the morning). The demand for constant attention and the intense jealousy. I hate to do it, but I sent him packing. After nearly a year, I can say that he’s refusing to use the BPD treatment to actually get better. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!

  12. Delores BJ

    I read several comments here and could relate closely to some as well. I was recently & suddenly abandoned by a boyfriend with anxiety/depression issues (and takes prescription meds for that). We were together for 2 yrs, and when we initially met he was overjoyed by meeting ‘someone like me,’ was very affectionate, complimentary, and called me continuously after returning to his place after work. After our relationship started developing things between us changed more & more, and anger issues surfaced. He would become aggravated over any daily conflict that people can normally encounter, then turn on himself in a fit of rage rather than work with me to relieve conflicts encountered. I always blamed myself for his extreme anger toward himself, thinking I was the one who wasn’t helping to deal with our conflicts. But, I honestly believe it’s his deeper rooted anxiety issues. Now, I’m having greatest difficulty accepting his sudden abandonment. It’s really put me into an emotional tailspin, and I have absolutely no family near me. I lost my husband of 31 yrs. in 2012 to acute leukemia, and we were like inseparable soulmates. So this current experience with my now ex -boyfriend is totally opposite, and it’s been too much loss to deal with emotionally combined with losing my husband. I’m having serious emotional episodes that seem even worse than when I lost my husband. It’s been a month since my ex abandoned me, and we helped each other a lot, but there were serious disputes between us, and I honestly believe they were mostly, though not entirely, due to his own extreme emotional swings. We communicated a few minutes the other day, but I don’t know if that helps or just re-ignites grief within me. To make matters worse, our backgrounds differ greatly. He’s has 2 bitter marriages & divorces, where I’ve had only one very committed, loyal, marriage that was built on following the guidance of God’s love.

  13. I am a young male and have recently been “diagnosed” with BPD. My relationship has suffered immeasurably due to my uncontrollable jealousy and rage, accusatory behavior, and reckless behavior. I am trying to salvage what I can from the relationship, I can only describe the guilt and pain that I feel when I have upset, frightened, or mistreated the person I love. I feel so alone, yet I know they love me very much. However, this is the crux: my partner has said they want a break from me for 3 months. I can already imagine that this might exacerbate my BPD behavioural symptoms and I would really love to try and control this so that I don’t lose this person for good. Any advice or guidance from people with BPD or those who have lived with someone who has it would be very much appreciated.

  14. I’m reading the above and it seems like may need much more education.
    I suffer from BPD and it is devastating. You must try and understand the BPD’s feeling their emotions EXTREMELY MORE INTENSE than other persons. That does not make them bad people. It makes them individuals with a serious mental illness who need compassion, love, understanding. To say we are incapable of love is the most destructive thing anyone could think about another human being. We are, ALL ONLY HUMAN, created in the Image of God and deserve LOVE! Help your partner instead of making his or her worst fear come true: ABANDONMENT. That’s love. If not, stop spreading disgusting half-truths and just admit you are just not capable of sticking through helping someone with this disease. I wonder, would you do the same if your partner had cancer, heart disease, diabetes. And remember the law of attraction…you attract to you that which you are…

  15. Chorra

    I really liked reading your side of the story. I just broke up with my partner of 5 years who I suspect has BPD. I suspected it early in the relationship when I was thrown totally off guard because he was SO SO SO angry at me, and told me how dismissive I was because we bought a bus ticket after breakfast instead of before breakfast. He was angry at me for around 10 hours. He wasn’t able to calm his emotions, or stop giving me dirty looks, or telling me how much I don’t care about his needs and how dismissive I am. (we both agreed…before breakfast, to eat first and get the ticket after…so you imagine how confused I was).

    I went through a little bit of hell with this person. I did not always handle situations correctly. He would throw me off balance when trying to get information out of me, and out of fear of being tricked into admitting things I wasn’t doing (like cheating) I actually started leaving out information about who I talked to in the day (I never ever cheated on him). Of course this made things worse, especially after he installed spyware on my phone and started reading all my text messages and facebook messages to everyone. I’m attractive, so every once in a while I would get a text from an old guy friend kind of hitting on me. Even if I ignored it, or told the person that I wasn’t interested, my ex would still accuse me of “smelling like balls” when I got home (he was getting my messages realtime).

    Thing is. I KNOW he is hurting. He wants desperately to be a good person, he is crush thinking he failed me, that he treated me badly. He just can’t control his emotions. He becomes SO afraid of being rejected, dismissed and seen as a failure that he lashes out as a way to test me, to make sure I still love him. It’s like, if I’m still there to hold him after all he puts me through, all the chaos and all the angry outbursts, disrespect, ignoring, accusations, then I must really love him. I believe he needed the moments AFTER the fight to feel secure.

    It’s also horribly controlling, manipulative, and emotional abuse.

    I’m a strong and intelligent woman, I am very caring and understanding, so despite missing my ex, I know I will weather this storm, and set better boundaries for myself in the future. Probably if we had of had a diagnosis within the first year of our relationship, I would have been able to weather the storms. Behind all the fear and self hate and anger alcoholism and pot addiction is a beautiful soul that just wishes to love and be loved.

    It’s easy to confuse the behavior of a BPD with Narcissistic personality disorder. Both appear (and can act) very selfish. I believe though, that the difference is that the BPD person actually does care and love, where as the narcissistic person is not capable. The BPD person is VERY self focused (way to much….I got yelled at for being upset and emotional when I saw my cat of 16 years dying “How dare I be upset and emotional, can’t I understand that my behavior is making him feel way way way worse?”) but I believe they can to some point feel empathy. A Narcissist on the other hand cant. I’m no mental health practitioner, but I have know both a narcissist and bpd individuals closely, this is what I believe based on my experience and from what I have read.

  16. It is absolutely heartbreaking to know you are loved by someone suffering from BPD and have to be on the receiving end of splitting. She was pregnant by an affair she had and despite my reassurance I would be there for her and raise the child as my own she was so ashamed of the affair and confused as to whether she should be with the child’s Father (despite knowing she doesn’t love him) she pushed and pulled sometimes 15 times as day. She was making herself ill and her agony over her choice was too much for me to bear so I ended the relationship for the sake of her health. They push because they want to test your love for them. Unfortunately they don’t know when to stop pushing and everything has it’s breaking point, once reached it’s broken and there’s no putting it right again. She will not go for help and I know she is doomed to repeat the same pattern which means I also know we are better off not being in a relationship. They say if you love someone you have to let them go, I now know just how that feels – absolutely awful. I should really be glad she’s gone but I’m not. It’s a world of “if only” going on in my head.

  17. I had been with my bpd bf for over 10 years and I recently went no contact. I’m in incredible pain but mostly BC I know after 10 years, 7 leases, 10 jobs, more money spent than I compherend fully yet trying to please his insatiable needs, and the loss of my family and friends, I realized it was NEVER EVER EVER going to change BC he was NEVER EVER EVER going to get the help needed to do so no matter how much I did to fix things. I stuck by his side and was even homeless for a full year to help him not be homeless alone and rebuild from the depths together. But after we lost out last apartment BC of his lack of care to work at all I knew I couldn’t stomach homelessness again and for no reason. In the end I tried suicide to cope with the pain as I felt so emersed in the daily struggle of his chaos and normalizing his emotions for him since he was unable to that I totally lost myself. Like I was his emotional prisoner for ten years and when I finally was freed I couldn’t stand on my own emotional two feet and collapsed. Thank God I didn’t die obviously but the pain I’ve been going through is worse at times than the relationship was like he was my band aid and suddenly it was ripped off to expose some real core issues I’ve neglected as now I’m not distracted by his insatiable need for me to contain and love him. In other words, I’m not sure how I’m going to face the future but I know that whatever comes must come without him at all in my life. But for anyone going through the similar pain as myself remember that these people are always bad they’re damaged at such a core level that they are struggling to survive and everything they did to you they do to themselves ten fold in their own self talk and such. They’re in more pain that. We can grasp but will most likely never get help. You and I must face it that this was not a normal break up BC it was not a normal relationship…It was disordered and our love for them was real but it can’t fix them and the abuse they gave us was in fact a gift …Now we are forced to face our own core issues which we may never have felt fully in our minds without the bpd partners bringing them out. Remember you chose this relationship for a reason. Fix yourself and stop being distracted by your body partner. They cannot love themselves right now or maybe ever so YOU are a fool if you think they’ll ever let you love them. It’s their worst fear/most desirable need but that’s the tragedy of this disorder. They hate what they need so bad.

  18. Dear all,

    reading all of your stories is incredibly helpful to me. I split up with my GF of 3,5 years, who I suspect to have BPD, six months ago. Well, actually I think it was rather her, who after all these tumultuous years, finally blocked me (after attempts of getting me back). She comes from a broken family, had a horrible childhood, and has basically broken up like that with everyone she has ever been with. While she has now “moved on”, posting pictures with at least three girls only days (!!!) after we broke up. And given her history of cheating and flirting with other women during the relationship, I believe that she has “moved on”. I have not heard a single word from her during the past 6 months – not even for my birthday.

    And now to the sad part: I see myself as an accomplished woman. People who know me professionally would never assume that I would let myself be treated that way. She broke up several times, but came back, she accused me of cheating (I never did, but she actually did), and she manipulated me for years into believing that I am worth nothing. Now, that I had a bit of time to also reflect my own co-dependency and reasons for staying in the relationship, despite the abuse, I can definitely admit that despite my professional success, I have always felt a sort of emptiness in my life.

    However, now that she is gone (and I believe after 6 months I should be able to move on), I find myself still obsessing about her. I feel incredibly empty and check her FB to confront myself with the pictures of the girls she is now posting (I know I should not). My problem is that actually what is happening now is kind of what she manipulated me with for the past 3 years: She would always tell me how great she is, that other people are immediately attracted to her, and that she has other options than me. That is what she threatened me with, why I desperately tried to hold her, and what ultimately became true. I for myself went on a couple of dates, but haven’t found anyone nice. I’m not interested in a quick hookup and after this emotional rollercoster, her mood swings, but her attempts to get me back, and the (unfortunate) excitement and bond we had, I find it hard to move on and to fall for someone “normal”.

    My worst problem right now is that I think I am falling into a depression. She seems to move on within days without even looking back, and I am sitting here, struggling, feeling like a piece of shit that is worth nothing. I’m really starting to question my sense of reality because (as she would tell me), due to her charming personality and good mood (in public, she is highly functioning), she had no problem to find new friends and girls, while I sit home overwhelmed by sadness and shame (like she predicted by calling me a looser). I somehow cannot seem to get myself out of this black hole. I don’t want to bother my family with this stuff and I feel like my friends just give me the typical break up advise, don’t really get the intensity of getting out of a BPD relationship, and are also starting to be annoyed with me that I don’t move on.

    Does my situation sound familiar to anyone? I would really like to talk to people who are going through the same situation.

  19. I was with my BPD for 23 years. Her switch flipped this summer. I was painted black. I tried everything. We went on multiple weekend trips, spent a fortune just to be abused. She attempted overdosing in a NYC hotel. Took a lot of talking to keep her from being commited in the city. The hotel manager wanted to call the cops and ambulance. I talked him out of it. In hind site I should of let them haul her away. This is after one of the most fun nights we ever had. Got the full BPD “I find you unattractive”. “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” “I have no feelings for you from the bottom of my soul”. She picked the day I drove my Mom back from the cancer hospital for that one. Maximum impact. Shortly after the suicide I discovered she was cheating on me with a co worker. Real loser. But one of her friends must have said he was hot so she had to have him. Typical BPD. He was her new knight in shining armor and I was painted black. After she left me with the feelings from soul drama crap I was devastated no self worth I don’t remember the full next day. Dove right into self destroying behavior. Felt responsible for the breakup. Then I learned about BPD. Started seeing a therapist which helps a lot and went full No Contact. Absolutely the best thing I ever did. Going to the gym and feeling good about myself finally. So I know there is hope. It’s brutal though. The whole relationship with incredible mood swings, pure rage, constantly being accused of cheating. Anyone thinking about leaving one…RUN. There is no fixing one and life is too short to invest one more minute with one. Especially once they have painted you black. There’s no fixing one and the sooner you get out the sonnet you will get better. These people destroy you for sport. Mine truly hates me. All the initial love and adoration turned to pure hate. She said one time when I was laying my head on her lap that she had an uncontrollable urge to stab me in the eye. Big fun. Anyone reading this that is still with one. I’m telling you RUN AWAY. Go NC. And start recovering.

  20. I stumbled upon all of these BPD websites looking for comfort and answers. I’ve been with my now ex boyfriend 6 months. I would consider him a waif BPD. He suffered a stroke years ago, and although fully recovered, still uses it for sympathy. He definitely reeled me in with overwhelming attention and I was so impressed by his story of survival and ability to compensate post stroke. Of course I was the first woman he ever trusted and felt intimacy with, boy I felt special… And then the madness ensued. Everything we did was always on his terms. He blows hot one minute, and ice cold the next. Real or perceived health issues always took precedence, so I was leary to complain about mood swings or outbursts. Then every holiday or plans we made “future faking”, were ruined by him deciding to get drunk. He always apologized, wanted me to stay with him on this journey to his self improvement. Always blamed the new med he was on. But I began to notice that he doesn’t treat anything else in his life this way. Although he has no real friends and is estranged at best from his family, he still chose to walk away from me. Out of nowhere. He still will text, even though I do not go out of my way to contact him. I do answer, but I keep it on point and brief. I am wracked with guilt that he truly has no one. He goes on and on about how I deserve better and how sorry he is that he’s “so pathetic” (his words). I just answer that he isn’t pathetic, but what he’s going through is. I tell him that I am praying for him. What’s sad is that a lot of these people really don’t want to be this way. Most are on meds that blunt their feelings and alter their personalities to a point of being zombies. I now see that my ex uses his past medical issues to get attention, and he tries desperately to overcompensate for what he feels he lacks. In a way, it seems that he feels a strange comfort in isolation, or not being in a position to fail. He has admitted to this. To me it feels helpless, like he is drowning, wants rescued, but then throws himself back in. I have encouraged therapy, but he has trust issues. I no longer hold out hope for a healthy relationship. I have left myself open to him for support. It’s hard, but it’s the most compassionate thing I can do in the situation. Each situation I read about is unique, yet we all are left with the similar feelings of absolute emotional exhaustion. It’s not the same as a break up in a healthy relationship. What I’ve really found helpful is everyone’s stories. Support of each other is huge. Thank you to everyone who shares their experiences in these difficult relationships.

  21. This is for you “Jolene 29. Dec, 2016 at 3:30 pm”

    I am in a very similar boat. I am having a hard time with the girl that broke up with me July 25th of last year and has had 0 communication with me since that day. I think she has Paranoid Personality Disorder as well too. We had a beautiful relationship, as we had no contact for like 2.5 years then one day I just woke up with the urge to track her down. I email her to find out she just got out of an abusive relationship from being raped and what not, and left to be homeless from her mom when she went to her for help. We started out as great friends, then it just led to a relationship and she moved in with me. She suffers from terrible untreated seizures – those really bad ones. I got her great healthcare and really wanted to be prince charming. A year goes by and she starts to really change. We have our first fight over something stupid, I let her throw her fit and what not until she directly attacks my person which causes me to argue back I yell really loud but then I walk away to cool off. We make up few weeks go by she goes on another crazy fit. We argue again I throw a water bottle at my TV only after she attacks me personally again (never over what shes mad about but just really degrading me). I decide to ask her if I should quit my graveyard job which pays $20 an hour plus the full medical to get a daytime job so we can work things out better spend more time together and she says that would be great. (She is also a bad alcoholic and former meth addict btw.) A month goes by and her personality is nothing even close to what it was when we were friends and decided to become more. At this point my closest friends and family have really noticed how more caring and dedicated I have become to her, she is now also back in contact with her mom whom threw her out and made her homeless. I have convinced her to try and start a relationship back up with her mom over the course of the first part of 2016. Her mom is very religious and judgemental to those who are not. I am a very open Atheist while she has open said she doesn’t believe in a grand creator namely the God of Abraham but is spiritual and energy and theta style, which I can sorta relate to in some ways. the mid week of July we argue lots, she seems to have her bipolar and PPD episodes and It seems as if she is trying to make her hit her or do something like every boyfriend before me has done to her. (or so she has said) I just go for drives and cry in the car like I always do then come home. We go to bed she wants me to tickle her back, which I do but then I try to make it up to her for the fighting and get a little more. She is like naw I dont feel like it but I can still pleasure you another way. I tell her no its ok, I just wanted the intimacy/love and mental connection that we enjoy. The next morning she blows up and says to me “I need help and if you cant help me we have a problem.” I ask her what I need to do or what can I do. She says I don’t know and if you don’t then we have no business together anymore. I end up saying something like I can’t do this then with the no communication and you getting angry and not willing to talk or help me figure out an idea. Get some of your things and maybe go stay with a friend for a few days because we seem to just fight and maybe we can figure something out after a few days. 6 hours later she comes back and moves everything out and goes with her mom (whom she has told me every day almost for the entire time we were together that she hates because of how her mom treats her and makes her feel like shit.) Now its January 19th of 2017 and I feel like shit because of how her BPD or PPD has really unfairly played a part in our relationship. Seems like it was the easiest thing in the world for her to do. It has costed me 2 jobs and put me into a massive depression. 31 years old and I have never had anything like this effect me. She was the first women I ever thought about being the 1, the first women I was ok changing and compromising my way of life for because I loved her that much to do so. I have reached out many, many times to her, trying to fix it or the friendship or even just to know how she is doing with her seizures because it scares me so bad with how violet they are and she isn’t getting them treated correctly. It also confuses me that after everything she told me about her mom/broken home/ the multiple rapes including a foggy story of possible incest rape from a brother or brothers but she still wants them to be a part of her life however she wont give me anything, not a word at all. She hasn’t even told me to leave her alone or to fuck or anything, just complete ignoring and it has hurt so so badly. It has really ruined my life these past months since this all happened.

  22. TheLegitDramaQueen

    Hello! I read all your comments and it makes me feel sad that all the traits that you said speak so much about me and as if it were all my ex boyfriends combined (who I was dumped with, 3 men already) who were talking to me. I am diagnosed to have BPD and I’m actually on DBT now for 4 months. I need 6 mos more to complete. I’m also under medication. Yes, it might be too normal for you guys: all the rage, all the anger and sudden burst of extreme emotions but we have so much empathy. We are capable of loving. But our minds are just too preoccupied between who to listen: emotions or logic. Emotions always lead to guilt. But underlying that emotion? ???? Is so many many issues deep down like fear of abandonment. We love you the companion so much that we fear of losing you. On the “user” part, yes, might be. Because like me, I have an impulsivity on spending. I had my ex who financed me literally. That’s to fill the void of emptiness, boredom and anxiety or mixed feelings of GUILT, Fear, paranoia. Im usually paranoid about men because i fear on losing them. In the end, we are capable of loving. We have so much empathy. But the reason it started off as good was because we would do everything to make it work… we are charming, we are a person full of masks at first in starting a relationship but we tend to lose it in the end as we invest more emotions. . . At the end of the day, we just need you to not leave us by our side.

  23. Wow, I did not realize so many people wrote in the meantime.

    @LegitDramaQueen: good for you that you got diagnosed and are trying to change something. I think most BPDs fail to stay in therapy.

    @Mathew/Ben/everyone else: I really have to say I see a difference in where I was around Christmas time and now. I think the first six months after the breakup, I was still secretly looking at pictures my ex posted. I had also financed her and helped her get some money and I saw her with all of this new clothes and basically 2 weeks after she left me (I think it also confused me that she left me in the end, because I think its more common that BPDs are left), she must have started sleeping with this other girl. Actually she is not particularly pretty (which makes me feel better haha) but she is constantly posting pictures of my ex and writes comments about how hot she is. And I think my ex needed that constant attention and validation. Actually, I always had the feeling that she is always willing to sleep with whoever gives her the most validation in a radius of 20 miles. We had done long distance at one point and several members of my family passed away in a short period of time. Instead of being there for me, that was when she cheated on me for the first time. Thanks for that! I am quite sure now that it was not the only time because towards the end she insisted on going to parties alone, etc. And I think these two things actually broke me the most: a) the cheating and b) the exhaustion from trying again and again (even after the cheating, even after being accused of cheating, which I never did, even after being yelled at and still investing money). I realized that I was really numb for the first six months after the relationship. I didn’t date anyone else, I was in a fog. I was so deeply exhausted. I needed to save myself. I have actually read a couple of BPD-partner books now, which state that BPD breakups are not like normal breakups. Partners often have post-traumatic stress disorders from the trauma and exhaustion. One book also featured letters from BPD-partners that stated both the “white” and the “black” side of BPD relationships. I was sobbing, I think particularly about the “white” parts because I realized that other people also had such a insanely deep relationship in the beginning with their BPD partners.

    I guess what I am trying to say is GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO HEAL. be gentle with yourself. see how strong you are that you were able to take all of that. don’t feel guilt. you are not responsible. you are nice and kind. you tried to make it work.

    I changed my approach now into blocking my ex on every single account, so I also won’t see pictures anymore etc and she cannot contact me again. And I have to say this has helped me a lot. It has allowed me to see that there will never be a way back. Even on days where I only see the “white” side, I remind myself that there is a very “black” side that always come along. Even though she’s showing off on her social media accounts how great her life is, I am sure inside she continues to struggle. I tell myself that this girl who is commenting how hot she is will soon feel the effects of her fear of abandonment, her intense jealousy, and her distorted world view. Blocking her entirely has helped me to look forward and to focus on my own life and not to compare my life to what she portrays hers to be on social media (which I think is always a problem with us co-dependent partners) – the own emptiness. Yes, I could go to the gym more to get myself back to where I was, but sometimes I think you just need to pause, look in the mirror, and acknowledge: “wow, you are strong. you got out of there. you made it. you didn’t jump off a cliff. you stayed sane in a situation over years that would have driven other people insane.”

    helping others until you yourself break down is not a badge of honor. start with self-love.

  24. Mentalillnesssucks

    Just ended it after three years
    My ex is so destoryed
    She just sleeps with everyone lies cheats drugs abuse

    Sick of it
    I love her but have to go

  25. I’ve been dating this girl for only a week. I’m 18 and she’s 20, we are both in college. We have been very intimate in only a short week which is probably my fault. She just opened up to me that she has BPD and I am very scared. Deep down I think that I should run, but she pleases me sexually. She seems to be exactly like me but after reading a bunch of traits of BPD she might just be mimicking me. She says that all her exes were assholes but im starting to think that they realized that she was crazy. Shes infatuated with me and i really like her and havent seen anything bad about her yet but im afraid of whats to cone. I guess I’m looking for some more validation of what I should do.

  26. Hi All,

    I have been in turmoil the last few weeks and have come to the devastating conclusion that I must break with my suspected BPD partner. I have completely lost all self-respect and sense of self, feeling lost and trapped at the same time. I believe I now reflect his own behaviour as I find myself on the edge of psychosis. It is heartbreaking to think that he has little chance of living a happy life – I believe he may also have anosygnosia and therefore treatment (you have to acknowledge something is wrong first) is unlikely. I hate this feeling that I’m abandoning him but I can’t abandon myself anymore. 8 years of such immense stress.

    Interesting to hear from diagnosed BPDs on here. I fully believe my partner is capable of intense love, but the problem is it’s all seems so self-serving. I can see exactly why people feel used. I myself have never had the “I don’t want you” behaviour directed at me (so perhaps it’s not BPD unless this isn’t evident in all cases – so many other symptoms are spot on) but I have dealt with two betrayals, a seven-year lie, humiliation, manipulation and emotional abuse. Tell me, if you loved someone, would you do that to them? I would never. Ever. All of these things put the other person first while throwing me/us into the gutter.

    I’d like to also say re ‘abandonment’: Love is sacrifice, yes, but there comes a point when you have to draw the line. Yes, I’d love to stick it out and be the rock I hoped to be for my suspected BPD partner, I want to shield him with all my heart from any pain. When I think about what he will feel, the depths of self-loathing and abandonment, when I tell him it’s over, I feel immense guilt. Yet, I’ve never intentionally betrayed, lied to, humiliated, manipulated or abused him. All of the above has been intentional from him, conscious or not. He knows that if he acts up, he gets attention, as a toddler does. My bad for accepting it all. I didn’t know.

    Currently (and in the past) I will accept behaviour that destroys me to ‘save’ him. Not anymore. I would never be the drowning man holding someone down, and to expect someone to go through all of this abuse because you need them is fudamentally wrong, even if you have a mind-warping BPD. I understand. I do not condone it.

    I can feel myself getting angry so I’ll leave it there.

  27. Will, three months of no contact means no contact for three months, period. BPD’s don’t recognize boundaries set by partners, ever so, I hope you proved me wrong and did as she asked.

    Lucy, your post best exemplifies a BPD reaction to… life.

    Help! My close girlfriend just broke up w her BPD boyfriend of a year. Now, he’s stalking her house and keeping tabs on when she comes and goes from her place. Do I have to worry about her safety? Is this behavior something that will subside? Is this something she should seek a restraining order for? Survivors of BPD relationships and sufferers, tell me what’s happening and what needs to be done. We’re at a loss here on how to proceed. My gf won’t sleep at her place won’t sleep in her house w out someone there but she won’t say if she feels unsafe. Is she in danger of retaliation for breaking up w him?

  28. Dear Lucy (above). Thank you so much for that comment. I am sorry for those who are “victims” of a BPD, but imagine being the sufferer. BPD is an incredible illness to suffer through. It is very hopeless as there is no “cure”. There is a very real reason for our suicide rates being so high. And a lot of these comments are very triggering. It scares me to think of how many forums like this ultimately caused some of those suicides. As much as I sympathize for those who have been hurt, their comments are very dangerous. I am glad that people like you take a moment to intervene. Your comment could very well be the one that stops someone on the brink. It should be noted that you don’t have to be BPD to be cruel and hurtful. Many “normals” do this on a regular basis. Chances are good that a “normal” caused someone to develop BPD. Society needs to back up and consider exactly what “normalcy” is, because the way I see it, those with BPD are far kinder than those without. So again, thank you for dropping your thoughts. Your offering of empathy and support could very well save a life. I wish you all the best.

  29. I’m not sure if I left or was abandoned. After a 3 month discard ( half of nov, Dec, Jan ) we started seeing each other again in Feb, it’s been up/down since then. I told him I couldn’t go on putting my heart on the line anymore after not seeing him for 3 weeks after repeatedly asking. He was in a very down, depressed state during some of this time and I literally couldn’t have been more supportive. Space when he wanted space, encouraging words, comfort, I even sent food to his house after he said there was nothing in. The second I need time or support or even a hug I get nothing from him. I’m not his therapist, in fact he won’t get any help, I wanted to be his partner and I expect some comfort back. I don’t mind being the main support or things being around him and his issues a lot of the time but I can’t cope with it never being about me ever. I worry about him but he does seem to always land on his feet. He made no real effort to fight for me or us and just said he knew he was rotten to the core and I deserve better. My heart is pretty much broken now. I don’t think people with BPD are essentially bad, selfish but not bad. But I’ve so much sympathy for anyone in any sort of relationship copsasity withthrm.

  30. Amber..

    Hi, just thought I’d drop you a quick line. I’ll obviously never understand the extent or exhaustion you most go through with BPD. I do however understand feelings and emotions, depression, anxiety and emptyness. All humans feel these things but I know not to the same extent as yourself ( and other sufferers ) as I’d commented I don’t believe for one second everyone with BPD is a bad person, in my personal instance I’d say he was awful at times and had narcissistic traits. Some of his bad points I know he couldn’t help but that didn’t stop my hurt or my tears and I’m sure you’ll agree both parties feelings are as important as the others and no one deserves to be hurt. You comment about BPD people being kinder then those without is slightly missplaced, I’d say as kind as, not more then. There are good and bad people in all walks of life, having a personality disorder does not make you automatically a kinder person, as I said in my situation I’d say it made him the opposite. The empathy I have for him ( and you ) knows no bounds. It kills me to see him in such pain knowing there is nothing I can say or do that helps. Knowing there is a lot he can say or do to help my pain yet he chooses not to hurts.
    I completely understand how things written here would trigger you,some things trigger me, believe me I don’t believe half the things wrote on this site or others but we are just looking for help, understanding and support.
    I wish you well. I’m not sure what brought you to this site but if it’s relationship issues I hope things work out for you x

  31. I was in a 12 month relationship with my now ex, who I later realised suffered from BPD.We met at work and she told me all about the many relationships she’s had and had ended and it was all the past men who let her down and were at fault. She sounded so convincing and I was drawn in. I felt sorry for her as she was such a nice person, loving, caring and loved life. Everyone saw her as this great person.

    We began dating and within a few months there were signs of jelousy. She would challenge my engagement with others and suggest I was cheating on her, when I wasn’t. During conversations she’d just shut down and I could never get through to her.

    I treated her better than a princess, cards, gifts, flowers, meals, wrote her poems, sung romantic songs and many many other things. She told me she loved me and that I was the best think that ever happened to her. And that we would be together forever.

    On occasion we’d have a falling out, she would go out with her friends, meet a man in a club, have unprotected sex then tell me all about it. I was in tears hearing this for the 5th time in 12 months. Buf was sucked in by her charm and behaviour.

    I clearly failed to realise that all the friends, partners, colleagues etc she was constantly falling out with may have had their own version of events, as to why she constantly fell out and couldn’t hold a single friendship/relationship down. But no one ever asked as she appears so charming and credible.

    I tried and tried and tried and suffered so much pain, anger, verbal abuse constantly, it took its toll on me, and made me a completely different person.

    She ended the relationship 2 months ago but floats back into my life causes issues then floats out again.

    She lost her job last month (after doing the job 7 years) she committed career suicide in that she verbally and agressivly attacked her manager.

    I loved her so much and it took me a while to get over it, but i got over it. But can see she’s like a runaway freight train at this time, wrecking everything in her path, friendships, relationships, finances, career and everything else. She doesn’t believe she had BPD so won’t seek help. And it is so painful to sit back and watch her fall, knowing there’s nothing you can do. It hurst so so badly. But she doesn’t care.

    She’s such a beautiful person and i loved her so much, and did all I could, but found it difficult to sustain the relationship. Now it’s ended I feel lost like a large part of me has been ripped apart.

    She’ll move on from one relationship to the next in pursuit of ‘the one’, and can sense she will bre alike forever.

    I love her and miss her but had to let her go as the impact on me was terrible. And made me into a broken person.

    One part of me says we need to show love, caring affection and support to those who suffer BPD, yet the other side of me would advise to walk away from such a relationship, I’m a v v strong person and have experienced a lot in life. But this experience is like no other and will destroy you.

    I miss her so much and would love nothing more than to hold her close and look after her forever. But she feels she will lose me like she’s lost everyone else. And because I stayed to support her, after all the abuse she gave and the way she treated me. I think she came to realise I wasn’t going to leave her, and so her anger, abuse, threats and confrontation increased more and more until I couldn’t take it any more. And she would have felt better as her abandonment issues came true.

    If you can, please avoid this type of relationship, it WILL destroy you.

  32. I was in a 12 month relationship with my now ex, who I later realised suffered from BPD.We met at work and she told me all about the many relationships she’s had and had ended and it was all the past men who let her down and were at fault. She sounded so convincing and I was drawn in. I felt sorry for her as she was such a nice person, loving, caring and loved life. Everyone saw her as this great person.

    We began dating and within a few months there were signs of jelousy. She would challenge my engagement with others and suggest I was cheating on her, when I wasn’t. During conversations she’d just shut down and I could never get through to her.

    I treated her better than a princess, cards, gifts, flowers, meals, wrote her poems, sung romantic songs and many many other things. She told me she loved me and that I was the best think that ever happened to her. And that we would be together forever.

    On occasion we’d have a falling out, she would go out with her friends, meet a man in a club, have unprotected sex then tell me all about it. I was in tears hearing this for the 5th time in 12 months. Buf was sucked in by her charm and behaviour.

    I clearly failed to realise that all the friends, partners, colleagues etc she was constantly falling out with may have had their own version of events, as to why she constantly fell out and couldn’t hold a single friendship/relationship down. But no one ever asked as she appears so charming and credible.

    I tried and tried and tried and suffered so much pain, anger, verbal abuse constantly, it took its toll on me, and made me a completely different person.

    She ended the relationship 2 months ago but floats back into my life causes issues then floats out again.

    She lost her job last month (after doing the job 7 years) she committed career suicide in that she verbally and agressivly attacked her manager.

    I loved her so much and it took me a while to get over it, but i got over it. But can see she’s like a runaway freight train at this time, wrecking everything in her path, friendships, relationships, finances, career and everything else. She doesn’t believe she had BPD so won’t seek help. And it is so painful to sit back and watch her fall, knowing there’s nothing you can do. It hurst so so badly. But she doesn’t care.

    She’s such a beautiful person and i loved her so much, and did all I could, but found it difficult to sustain the relationship. Now it’s ended I feel lost like a large part of me has been ripped apart.

    She’ll move on from one relationship to the next in pursuit of ‘the one’, and can sense she will bre alike forever.

    I love her and miss her but had to let her go as the impact on me was terrible. And made me into a broken person.

    One part of me says we need to show love, caring affection and support to those who suffer BPD, yet the other side of me would advise to walk away from such a relationship, I’m a v v strong person and have experienced a lot in life. But this experience is like no other and will destroy you.

    I miss her so much and would love nothing more than to hold her close and look after her forever. But she feels she will lose me like she’s lost everyone else. And because I stayed to support her, after all the abuse she gave and the way she treated me. I think she came to realise I wasn’t going to leave her, and so her anger, abuse, threats and confrontation increased more and more until I couldn’t take it any more. And she would have felt better as her abandonment issues came true.

    2 weeks ago she asked to meet up, she sounded in a bad way so I went round to see her. I hugged her and held her close and she just cried and cried and cried. After a while of me being nice to her she’s showing interest and caring, she turned on me calling me a lier and other nasty angry things. I thought to my self ‘what on earth am I doing here, she hadn’t changed at all’. I was completely heartbroken and am only just getting over it. I still think of her and hope she’s well but can’t do a single thing to help her. In the past She tried to make out that I was the bad guy but people can now see through her and have disengaged with her. I’ve never felt pain like this before.,

    If you can, please avoid this type of relationship, it WILL destroy you and cause you pain that you’ve never experienced before

  33. Can someone help me iv been with my girlfriend almost 2 years she as bpd and I’m really struggling t cope the the relationship I really don’t no what to do no more

  34. My Bpd girlfriend has just dumped me again for about the 1000th time in 5yrs.. Basically because I make her so unhappy and she’s exhausted of trying to make it work.. How can I possibly make her happy or show her how much I love her. When she has spent the last 4yrs leaving me without shedding a tear as if I mean less than nothing to her. When less than a week ago she was telling me she loved me to only leave me 5 days later how can you possibly treat someone with love and affection and make her feel secure when she makes me feel like that. When all I need is the tiniest bit of reassurance that she does actually love and care about me.. I hate myself for still loving her and wanting her to stay with me when I know full well she will just distance herself from me and hurt me more and more. Unfortunately I have to see this girl twice a day :( what a mess

  35. A few years ago my young daughter embarked on a relationship with a delightful but ‘odd’ boy. My first reaction upon meeting him was that he was on the Autism Spectrum – so many different quirks! Their relationship was marked by extreme highs and lows which eventually ended with, not only many tears and her belief that she was in an abusive situation, but also his rather mature attitude that he was ‘ too dangerous to be with her’.
    His family circumstances left him homeless and living on the streets at 17 years old and, even though they were no longer dating, my girl asked me to help him.
    Fast forward a year or so and this lad has been diagnosed BPD, ADD and a host of co-morbid conditions.
    Here’s the thing. He is a wonderful kid. He is also an infuriating, maddening conundrum. He has hurt and confused so many people in his short life but he is also hurting inside in ways I cannot even begin to imagine.

    The key to understanding is education. Both for him and the people who care about him. With therapy, medication and DBT he is slowly learning to control the worst of his BPD traits. Believe me that; however much shit BPD sufferers put us through it is nothing compared to the disgust, self loathing and remorse they live with every day. The desire to die – to to not want to actually kill themselves but, paradoxically, not want to live either is something that is almost impossible to understand.

    Many people have been scarred by their interactions with someone with BPD, my own daughter included, but as a family we have found that, by educating ourselves and encouraging treatment for the sufferer, it is possible to forgive, empathise and understand without hate or blame.

    My BDP boy is now one of the most important figures in our lives. Maybe partly because he’s unwell but mainly because he is loving, generous, brave and willing to improve his connections to the people that mean something to him and for that I will be there to fight for him every step of the way.

  36. I just got out of a relationship with an undiagnosed BPD about 2 weeks ago, after being together for 1.5 years. She is already started the cycle over and attached herself onto a new person. At first I was hurt. My thought was wow, that was quick. And I began to have the flood of insecurity that I was not enough for her. I took a few minutes, called my mom and put things back into perspective. I have to look at her moving on fast as a symptom of the disease.

    It’s very easy to take it personal, but a normal person will feel hurt in a relationship end and do the normal process of grieving. BPD tend to move on quickly as they can’t process the loneliness, or be alone with themselves, as they don’t really have a base of who they are. So I shifted my thinking to say, would I really want to be with someone who is going to do that.

    Say I love you a week before and want kids and get married, and then the next be broken up, and the next be on to the next. That is not the kind of person that I want to be with, because you are constantly in a state of untrust. And I, nor anyone deserves that. And this is not me blaming, although it’s easy, I have to remember that this is a chronic illness that needs to be managed by the person. If they don’t work on it, it won’t get better.

    I still love my ex very much, and the wound is very fresh, and a bit of salt has been put in it, however it is very freeing in a way. It allows me to really let go, and know that this is a cycle that will continue, and where she left off with me, she will pick up with someone else, and so on. So for those who have survived, don’t go back. You are only violating your boundaries for yourself, and setting yourself up for failure. Take the time for you, and realize that you can be happy, and you can’t save them or solve it for them.

  37. magnolia

    Hey All,

    I just wanna say thank you for your stories in regard to those who are bpd diagnosed and those who are or who have dealt with those who have bpd. This has tremendously helped me understand and cope with closure in a way.

    I was dealing with someone for 5 months who had bpd and warned me actually and the understanding/open type of person I am, thought I could withstand it. When we first started dating everything felt to good to be true. Like it was a fairytale. She told me I was everything she could ever imagine. Let me not leave this out – she actually had a gf at the time she met me but encouraged me that it was ending and she mentally checked out of the relationship at one point. I found out she had a gf on my own because she couldn’t tell me and instead of telling me she stopped talking to me for like 5 days straight. Then apologized after I found out.

    This woman was a sweetheart no doubt but she had ghost like behavior and would then justify it because of her bpd and issues in life. Which I continued to support her through because I can tell she’s dealt with abandonment and she rarely has friends (which I also am realizing is an effect with people with bpd). I wish I could’ve rationalized this sooner because at some point my feelings grew stronger for her after her telling me she loved me. People don’t just say those words and not mean it. It felt like she meant it or atleast that’s my perspective. However she would lie and tell me she’s done with her ex just to still deal with him, she’s ran away from me & coping with her issues at times because she has a hard time telling ppl “things they do not want to hear”.

    Me loving her/being in love I still tried to be there for her and she reassured me that things would eventually change and she’s growing into a new person and I made her see things in a different light. Whatever that meant because she would do the same things again after we would talk about how they’re affecting me. The main idea is that she lied to me and told me I was her everything and she would never hurt me again. Just when I thought things were going better, she texts me at 2am telling me she couldn’t do this anymore, never really loved me, feelings were temporary, she’s evil, she’s still talking to her ex, and that there are things I will never really know or understand about her. And blocked me as she’s done several times. At this point I’ve realized she needs help and no matter what that is something I can’t give her. I look at this as a lesson learned although it sucks because I saw myself long term with this person and despite her issues, she treated me better than any other woman has. I take this as a blessing in disguise because she is no longer my problem and now someone else’s. Better now than never.

  38. Lost and confused

    hey guys I have a strange situation for you probably one that isn’t listed on here I don’t know I didn’t read all of them. I am actually a person who has BPD and I am on medication and am in counseling and I’m starting to get better. Problem is I believe I am dating someone with BPD as well. He is not diagnosed yet as he refuses to admit he has a lot of anger issues and he seems to be starting to be controlling and just all the traits of a normal person with borderline personality disorder I should know I have it. We have been together for about 4 years in February I love him dearly and I don’t want to leave him but I am at my Breaking Point. I don’t believe this is my BPD telling me to run I believe that I can’t handle his BPD any longer. He refuses to admit he has an anger issue like I mentioned before he gets extremely upset over the smallest things he breaks things we constantly fight we also seem to mirror each other’s emotions. Like I said I do dearly love him the feelings I have for him are real but I feel suffocated. He wants to be around me 24/7 I feel like I can’t do anything without him messaging me constantly and if I don’t answer back it’s in a few minutes he seems to get upset and get short with me and starts giving me one to two word answers. it is been steadily getting worse and yesterday is when everything got really bad and has gotten me to the point where I believe I want to end everything. I was walking around the mall and he was messaging me and I was in the store where the music was too loud and I couldn’t hear it go off. I checked my phone a few minutes later and noticed that he had sent me a few messages saying babe where are you with a few question marks and saying hello and I message you back tell him I was sorry and what it happens that I just didn’t hear the phone. so he went on to say things like well whatever send me a message when you feel like it whenever you’re not too busy for me. Which has been happening more and more lately and it’s getting worse. When anyone mentions the fact that he seems controlling he goes into a rage sometimes sometimes he just gets upset and he denies all of it. He seriously wants to believe that he is just depressed and that there’s nothing seriously wrong with him. I keep trying to push him to get help and he actually got on some antidepressants and he arranged a counseling session but then proceeded to cancel it the day he was supposed to go because he says it’s a waste of time the people don’t care and he’s not going to waste his money on telling somebody who doesn’t care or know him or love him all of his problems and that they won’t understand. I’ve tried to tell him that it’s helped me immensely and that it’s helping me get better and I’m feeling better. But all he can say and think is that I’m getting better because he’s not with me. the reason he’s not with me is because I live in a different town now we moved to the town that I’m living in and moved into the house with my mother because I am going through a custody battle with my ex and CPS and it was the best thing to do to be able to get my kids back. But he decided that it was too much for him he couldn’t handle it and we’re constantly fighting all the time so it was decided it was best to take a break and him to move back to the town we were living in before. so he left and all I get constantly is messages where are you what are you doing what’s your plans for the day and then it goes to I messed up I’m a huge mess up but using the f word not messed up I just thought I’d keep it clean. he never sends me anything positive anymore it’s always negative every time I tell him about something good that’s going on my life that’s pushing me forward to winning the CPS case and getting my kids back he turns it around to make it about him and he makes it negative and you just bring me back down. It’s really depressing and it’s really hard on my recovery right now dealing with my BPD. I feel like everytime I take 10 steps forward he pushes me back 5 it’s like I’m still getting better but he’s making me feel like crap about it. I don’t feel like he’s doing it on purpose I feel like he’s just doing it without realizing it because of the BPD that I know he has that he refuses to admit to that he won’t go get diagnosed because like I said he refuses to admit it. I am at a loss at this moment I want to break it off but I am scared that it’s going to hurt him too much because I understand the fear of Abandonment obviously because I have BPD as well and I don’t want to make him feel the way I know I would feel if someone broke up with me. I do love him very much is very real it’s not just a symptom of BPD I know that. And I just I can’t do this anymore like he turns me down and he doesn’t realize it it’s been a long time coming he even called my mom the c word over the phone yesterday. And that was just enough I had had enough at that point I hung up on him and he wouldn’t stop calling me I asked him to give me some space and let me think and he wouldn’t stop messaging me he started telling me to answer the phone instead of asking me started trying to change it around and being a little bit sweeter and calling me baby and being apologetic and I told him to back off and give me some space or he was going to make it worse because it triggers me with my BPD. But he refused to he just kept going on with it and he wouldn’t stop so I finally got him to stop and I haven’t talked to him since last night and it’s 11:28 p.m. where I’m at right now and I haven’t talked to him since 9 p.m. last night. I am completely and totally shocked that he hasn’t tried to get ahold of me but it’s a good thing because I have had some time to think about what I want to do and do some research on the best way to break it off. But from what I have found it’s not going to be easy no matter what I do he’s going to be depressed he’s going to be upset he’s going to threaten suicide like you has been so many times before he’s always told me he wants to kill himself he hates himself he’s no good keeps messing up I just can’t do it anymore and I just feel terrible because I’m basically leaving someone not just because they have BPD but he refuses to try and make sure that’s what it is and to get help for it and I have BPD myself it makes me sound like a hypocrite. but the huge difference is I’m getting home and I’m on meds and I have counseling and I’m actually getting better but I feel like he’s holding me back and making my treatment harder to complete. Also he doesn’t seem that excited about me getting my kids back he doesn’t seem happy at all about it I told him that I was getting a phone call from them like a visit and I have talked to them in over a month so I was extremely excited and all he could say was perfect because he wouldn’t be able to talk to me he didn’t say it was because he won’t be able to talk to me but I have that feeling. and I’m sorry but my kids are number one they’re the most important thing in my life I need to get them back I can’t stand not being with them anymore and he just needs to deal with his own problems I think me leaving him would be the best thing for both of us so that I can continue with my therapy and maybe he will realize that he has some issues and he needs to go to counseling that’s all I can hope for. If anyone comes across the sand has any advice it’s definitely welcome because I am at a loss right now I don’t even know if I want to keep talking to him because like I said I haven’t talked to him in over 24 hours now and he’s got to be stealing and I just don’t want to push it any further I want to make things better not worse so some advice on what to do here it would be nice. I just want this to be over I just don’t want to hurt him but either way it’s going to hurt him he’s always going to be hurt no matter what because that’s what people with BPD go through on a day-to-day basis coming from somebody with BPD I definitely know this is true. We’re always hurt over everything our emotions are sky high all the time and it’s frustrating because we can’t control it and we don’t want to be this way but we are it’s usually because of a traumatic event that happened in her childhood in case some of you didn’t know that’s not something that we choose obviously like I said. it’s just something that happens and we’re not purposely manipulative or purposely mad all the time or angry or mean we’re not doing these things on purpose and most of the time we don’t even realize we’re doing them until after it happens that’s why I’m being so sensitive to the situation I’m in with dating someone that I believe has it he’s got all the characteristics of it and he just refuses to see it and get help. After getting treatment though and getting back on medication I feel better I feel so much better and I don’t feel like these emotions and everything run my life anymore but one thing I can tell you is that people with BPD have triggers and a lot of the time I’m not blaming the people that don’t have BPD but a lot of the time their partner that doesn’t have it is a trigger for them in my case my partner has BPD he’s a trigger for me I’m a trigger for him we trigger each other we mirror each other’s emotions and the backfire at each other and that’s why we constantly fight and I’m able to see this now because I’ve had a lot of treatment and I have had a lot of coping skills talk to me and I’m able to see these things and fix them as they happen but he’s just not at that point yet and I can’t move on if he doesn’t move on so I’m feeling like I just need to let him go. And for those of you who don’t think people with BPD have empathy and they don’t care and they’re just manipulated and they just use you and all that not all of us are the same okay after treatment we can get better and I believe after you read this you’ll be able to see that some of us do have empathy we are just over emotional and we can’t control all the ways that we feel and we also sometimes overdo it a lot and make our partners feel terrible and that’s not what we mean to do but we are capable of empathy and we are capable of love and to be able to do better in life and treat people better and I’ll be able to realize what we’re doing we need to be able to be diagnosed which is very difficult to do and get better get help we need medication mood stabilizers and we need counseling that’s the only way to fix it but you cannot force somebody with BPD to go and get these things done because trust me I’ve been trying for a long time now just to get him to go and do a mental health evaluation to get a diagnosis he will not do it because he refuses to admit there’s something wrong that’s part of the BPD unfortunately good luck to all of you. I hope things go well for me as well but knowing with BPD it’s going to be really hard to get through this breakup. it’s going to be hard to even initiate it but it has to be done I know that now. And I don’t suggest that people post anywhere that if they find somebody with BPD to run fast and hide and never go back because people like me with BPD that have recovered that read that we felt torn down and terrible just so you know just from reading that it makes us feel like total crap.

  39. I broke up (mutual decision) with someone who had many of the traits of BPD. I was fine with it for a few months, then when I realized there had been no contact (she had children I had grown close to), it set in that five years of my life were a toxic illusion. Fortunately for me, a few weeks of therapy informed me of the term “Borderline Personality Disorder”. It also helped that I had met someone new was ‘normal’. But the experience has left me shell shocked and empty – and it has been six months with only a couple of emails back and forth breaking the no-contact. The BPD responded to both as if we had dated 10 years ago and that her life was great (her entire family situation and life was a royal mess just months earlier, mind you). Typical syndrome traits – which were all red flags from even the first date, and she even told me early she was on medication, seeing help and was “broken and damaged”. Not sure what was holding me back every time my brain told me to sprint, not just run.
    Stage 1:
    * Mentioned graphic sex conversations with previous dates on very first date and seemed offended when I said that is probably not appropriate early conversation (first boundary warning).
    * Was quick to have sex and after just one time was looking for exclusivity – removing profile from dating site, requesting me as a facebook and other social media sites in just a week of knowing me
    * Told me she loved me in the first month after just a handful of dates (love bombing – he savior, best sex ever, wish we met when we were younger, you are my knight in shine armor, the usual stuff)
    * Had me meet her then young children after only a month (I waited almost 10 months for my kids to meet my first post-divorce relationship)
    * She put her ex-husband down regularly, but had very little stories that warranted it. Seems like he was smart enough to get out after years of misery, even though he was losing his kids. Four years later, she was still taking her husband to court and stalking him. Seems like she never got over him and I was a rebound – typical of BPD people.
    * Had strange relationship with family, no relationship with a sister who lived blocks away. Had few friends despite living near where she grew up. Most friends were casual acquantances from her places of employment who she called close friends. I never met many of them over the course of five years.
    Stage 2
    * Jealousy of my kids when I was with them
    * Jealous of me being with friends, especially if I went on a weekend trip or two with them
    * Stalked my ex-wife and previous girlfriend on facebook, would run away if my ex-wife if we bumped into them – causing great embarassment – then would blame incidents like this on me saying I could not handle…
    *Started small fights over minute issues or when she felt her welfare did not come first
    *Complained that I did not call enough, answer texts fast enough
    Stage 3
    Insult and demoralizing state
    * Less sex and insults you during (I believe that these people use sex as a weapon and actually hate it despite asking for it in the beginning so often.
    * Would not appear for any events with my family or friends, but still demanded I show up for hers so she would not have to go alone or without a date
    * Brought up other guys who may be interested in her to make me jealous – never worked
    * Complained and started fights for no reason with the last one causing me to storm out – we ended things officially via texts days later – classy – especially when she had kids I took on trips and out for dinner more than weekly.

    While she may not have been visibly suicidal, a cutter or made public scenes (high functioning BPD), the misery any level of these vampires cause makes you a zombie by the end of the relationship and makes you wonder about your own sanity and judgement for months after it finally is over.

  40. My opinion for everyone: run!!!!! A BPD person can destroy your life. I have date one, my bad, the big mistake of my life he can acuse you for some shit that you never heard or seen ever they are the most dangerous people.

  41. Guys,

    My ex wife has BPD and we have been seperate for two years now. The first couple of years were good but then after that, it was chaos. She was a compulsive liar, addicted to shopping and spent thousands and thouasands of dollars behind my back. She faked cancer twice and went to extreme lengths to convince myself and family that she was undergoing treatment. She did this twice within a 2 1/2 year period. The first time she lost 10kg and we all thought she was going through radiation and chemo only to find out 3 years later once we’d separated that it was all made up. The last two years has been the hardest of my life and we have two young children. All she ever wants to do is be better than what she is. She has to wear the best stuff and is just so charming, seductive and manipulative that it’s unbelievable to watch once you realise what you have just lived through.

  42. Allison Grayson

    Thank you to every one on here i split up with my ex boyfreind with bpd 6 weeks ago i am still mortified to thw point i need councilling ,when does this get better i wish i had jnown about this early on on our relationship maybe it would of been different,one thing i realise though is i could never of loved him enough to him and in the endcsadly i had to end it because i was in to much pain with his constant need for drama ,and it would help if you kissed mw more well it appears we must of been in different relationships because I did all that nothing would of ever been enough .Good luck to every body this is so hard even after 6 weeks x

  43. Hello,
    As someone with BPD I have to say I think it’s a little unfair to say that it is never the other persons fault. What if the the person with BPD was being abused in some way or cheated on. I am someone who has dated people who have done a number of things during our relationship such as: cheating, ditching, gossiping, gaslighting, and general abuse. I have also had long term relationships where the person was validating & understanding that I don’t feel emotions the same way. I have been through treatment, but I find I have a harder time dating now because I am realizing that I don’t have to take abuse. I am open and honest with everyone I date. Unfortunately the view that there is nothing they can do and that we are basically incapable of change gives them the okay to scapegoat and blame the person with bpd as the sole cause of every issue in a relationship. Imagine how it would feel to be blamed for other people’s cruel behaviour? You could expect that you would initially feel misunderstood and helpless, and then as time went on you might lose your shit. Like many human beings I have messed up in my relationships, but I can recognize the times I went wrong and the times when I was just outright abused. Instead of focusing on how horrible that person that you dated who was suffering from a horrible, debilitating, and damning mental illness, perhaps you could focus on what you can learn? why did you choose them?
    If you want to date someone with bpd. Learn about the illness through legitimate sources and find ways to help. Also understand that no matter how trivial or stupid or ridiculous you think their feelings are that what they experience is real and as a human being that is part of a relationship they deserve compromise too.

  44. Lewis, my situation sounds so similar to the one you had. After the “honeymoon” phase, there was always something not quite right about our relationship. Looking back at the 2 years and 2 months that I was with him, my hindsight is 20/20. At first I though he was NPD, but the more I have read I assume he too is a high functioning BPD. He too had young children that I ‘lost” when he ended the relationship. Prior to that, I noted many our the observations in the relationship that you have made regarding your own relationship. The biggest red flag was his “rages” and looking back, they all revolved around times when he felt I wasn’t making his a priority or the center of my attention. It is some how reassuring to know that others have had a similar experience. He has never been formally diagnosed (nor will he as he will never see assessment/treatment) but although he has elements that fit NPD, all in all he seems to have elements closer to BPD. He was abusive both emotionally and physically to his wife of 20 years but always claims to friends, family and myself that he was the victim. Having experienced his rages and the emotional abuse, I think she was the victim and perhaps became physical in effort to protect herself. I never was allowed to meet his ex-wife during our relationship as he never introduced us despite numerous opportunities to do so. I connected with his ex-wife after he abruptly broke up with me and started dating someone else the very next day. She has conveyed emotional, physical, and psychological abuse over the years they were together. He had a girlfriend prior to me who supposedly broke up with him and he was devastating and claimed he had no insight as to why it ended between them. The only thing he did say was that he was getting upset with her as he didn’t feel she was making him a priority… which I heard often, despite the fact that I spent nearly all of my days off at his home with him or he and his children. If I was unable to got to his house (40 min drive), he would go to the local casino and on the many occasions that he lost money, is was my fault as if I had been at his house, he wouldn’t have to go to the casino. I really think he went to the casino to feel a “personal” connection as he never seemed to have close friends nor a really close relationship with his family who lived 20 minutes away. Although his family would come to his town in order to go to the casino 1-2 times/week, they usually would not contact him to invite him nor would they stop to say hello. He was aware and seemed to lack an insight into why they did this. There were red flags that I just didn’t see. Now I’m devastated as I am trying to pick up the pieces of me that were shattered, while he has essentially picked up with a new relationship the day after he broke it off with me, plugging her into my spot complete with overnights at her home with his children (per her ex-wife) only 2 weeks into their relationship. In addition, he choose to break off the relationship with me on the day that he knew was emotionally trying for me (ie divorce court day of a long and drawn out divorce due to assets in the marriage). Is that a common ploy of someone with BPD when they break-up with someone in order to completely shatter someone that had truly cared for them? Still searching for answers so that I can heal and move on as I am not certain I am ready to put my heart and trust out there again. Many of my friends and his ex-wife have said that there was always “something they didn’t like about him (ie making them uneasy) but couldn’t put their finger on.” Of course, few voiced this to me until after my heart was broken investing over 2 years into a relationship for not only him but also his young children who I adored. Per his ex-wife, he told his 9 year old son that he broke up with me because I “made him mad.”

  45. My gf of 12 years has BPD plus a combination of other mental disorders. In the beginning it was we had our ups and downs. Always jealous and afraid I was sleeping with anyone I talked to. She always threatened to kill herself if I ever left her which I never told her I would. She would give in to her addictions of either self harm or alcohol or drug abuse and always end up in rehab centers. I supported her fully 100 percent. I found myself constantly saying what can I do or say to reassure you that I’m never leaving you? Etc etc. Although I never knew what I was getting into I believed she was worth loving and she loved me unconditionally. I have some insecurities so she built me up and loved me like no other. Very loving and affectionate. But when her illness magnified and surfaced it was pure hell. But even still I stayed because I was committed. Just recently she relapsed on a drug overdose and was sent back to rehab center. And just three days ago without any signs of remorse she tells me it’s over. No other reason than she just doesn’t love me anymore or feel the same for me. When the week before she was begging me to not leave her that I was her world and she wouldn’t be able to breathe without me. It shocked me to say the least and felt like my heart was literally ripped out. She was so callaused about it and I was bawling my eyes out not understanding. After two days of swollen eyes from crying so much I’ve come to realize that it’s not me it’s the damn disease. I hate what it does to the person that suffers from it and I hate what it does to the person that loves them through it. Everything was just thrown away like it meant nothing at all. And while they continue in their next quest for fulfillment it leaves us empty and broken-hearted. I’m a strong woman and I’ll get through this but it hurts like hell right now. Because I gave everything and did everything to ensure her happiness and well being. It’s a tough road and I sure don’t have the answers. I think for anyone that is involved with a BPD person you better study up on it or go to therapy bc it’s hard to understand why they do the things they do. I hate it.

  46. Thank you so much everyone for sharing your stories – both pwBPD and others.

    I broke up with my bf of 2 years about a month ago. I knew he had depression and anxiety, but have only just put the jigsaw pieces together; he’s clearly BPD, perhaps with a touch of ASPD – he likes a fight (not with me) when he’s feeling bad – maybe to boost his adrenaline and confidence. I hate fighting.

    Like many others, the good times have been incredible, then he will suddenly end it between us, no argument, prompt (that I’m ever aware of), nothing. Sometimes this comes in a coherent way; that I can’t give him the attention or level of commitment he wants. This fools me everytime. I honestly believe it because I know its true. I’ve tried to give more so many times, but have reached breaking point.

    When I’m with my kids he’s constantly texting and calling, saying he needs to know I’m ok. He gets angry and verbally abusive often when I don’t spend all night checking my phone. Sometimes he just randomly gets angry and tells me to fuck off, its over, accompanied by personal insults which can be hurtful. He regularly accuses me of seeing someone else – which I have never, and would never do in any relationship.

    During our time together, we moved in for a few months. It was great to begin with. Then he started dragging my kids into his whirlwinds to the point where they moved out, one behind my back. Somehow my devastation took second place to his outrage. All he was trying to do was be a good parent figure to them. I told them I’d raised tham on my own and they didn’t want or need a father figure, but it was about his needs not theirs. I see that now.

    He began verbally abusing my kids and me each night after more and more drinks supplemented with antihistamines to increase the effect. Deliberately left my dog out (who adored him) and told me it wasn’t his problem (he’d finished with me again at that point). It got severe enough the kids were out and he verbally attacked, then physically attacked me, punched holes in the walls and left the dog out. For the third night I had to just leave and go to a friend’s house late at night. I ended up having to go to police to get him to break the pattern. He moved out. We had no contact for a few weeks, then he sent me a message and I got sucked in again.

    I thought I understood him. He told me that when he goes off on one I should ignore it as he calms down in a couple of days. When I tried to explain my emotional torment, he replied it’s because he has such low esteem he has to punish himself by taking away what matters most to him. He does this with his kids sometimes too, although his ex protects them.

    So we followed this pattern for a while,. We had the best time just hanging out. Great chemistry, although he often isn’t in the mood for sex, but once told my kid that it was their fault we broke up and we don’t have sex anyway. I was mortified, and they hasn’t forgiven me for his comments.

    This time he broke up with me, rationally. It was followed by a barrage of abusive texts so I blocked him. I’m used to the pattern of abuse and threats and just couldn’t do it again. He had a brief spell in the psych ward but left because i couldn’t get cigarettes to him til after i finished work which apparently meant i didn’t care about him.

    He apologised, saying he was an arse, and he doesn’t mean it, I know that. Maybe so. But there’s only so many times you can go through that cycle without crumbling.

    I’ve recently been diagnosed bipolar so am aware of the difficulties of functioning through pain. I think BPD and bipolar is a bad combo. This recent ending coincided with a down swing for me and I couldn’t fight it again. BPD must be absolutely excruciatingly painful and like so many partners I thought if I could show him I would stay through it all he’d trust me and we could move forward. He once told me he didn’t trust me, in a lucid moment – hard to hear 18 months into a relationship. I’ve realised now, that just as importantly I don’t trust him.

    A few weeks on, I’ve spoken to him once. He was so apologetic, wanting to be friends and saying I’m the one, he can’t live without me, and he’ll always be there for me. I know he loves me. I love him but one of us has to stop this mess.

    I honestly think this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. The hourly constant pain, missing him so much. Knowing he’s hurting and I could stop it – til next time. But hurting myself and knowing if i relent, I’m back to square one, and not looking after me or my kids. I found this forum in a bid to distract myself from the pain.

    He wants us to be friends. I understand this may well be manipulation, but I don’t think I can do it. And this will bring anger and threats. But I would get my ‘fix’ and see him. It feels like theres no solution. We don’t have the long term future we wanted, because of his past actions to my kids. It seems kinder to both of us to end it now. Damn its painful.I feel empty, bored, and can’t focus on anything.

    The sad thing is, he is a good man with a big heart, but creates chaos and pain at regular intervals. I have to keep telling myself I’m wanting a non BPD version of him which isn’t reality. He doesn’t trust people enough to engage with help to change. His ex told me this is his pattern but she hoped he’d changed.

    I’ve been trying to work out the kindest way to not give in – for both of us. No contact seems to be the most advised. I liked the comment by someone of her responding briefly to texts when he contacts he, but maintaining boundaries. Its harder on me but BPD is hard enough for him, I don’t want to make it harder for someone I still love.

    Any advice people?
    Thanks all for taking the time to read my confused and rambling rant!

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